illegal act

Smokin’ Elvis’ Toenails

Thanks to Brendan Donnelly for the gif

  • The Maniac lurks on crowded Tube platforms, taking his stand just behind the front ranks of oblivious passengers who are waiting for the train. In front of him, very near the platform edge and indeed too near to recover herself if something made her loose her balance, is his chosen victim a young woman. Then, as the train sweeps into the station, the Maniac gives her a short, abrupt but irresistibly powerful thrust in the back. She topples forward and …
  • From 1917 to 1942, a man named John R. Brinkley became very rich and famous for transplanting goat testicles (which he called “glands”) into thousands of men, who paid dearly for the procedure thinking that it would revive their libido. That hundreds died, thousands suffered terrible pain and were maimed and crippled for life from a dangerous, expensive and useless operation does not take away from the magnificent marketing genius and chutzpah of this titan of quacks.
  • “Work at Notting Hill Gate Tube station has recently uncovered these amazing advertising posters that date from c1956-1959 when the station’s lifts were removed and replaced by escalators.”
  • So… Norm gets off the plane in Tokyo, First day in town he walks past a Mcdonald’s in Shibuya and nearly shits himself. It seems somebody has illegally reproduced his artwork and made wallpaper out of it… Now its in nearly every Mc-D’s in Tokyo. -I smell a lawsuit.
  • And if he was hoping to catch boys, he had a weird way of doing it. Instead of point the lens at the window or door, he had it pointed toward the girl’s bathroom. Either he was hoping to catch a wayward restroom intruder, or he wanted to catch the girl in a state of undress.
  • A Philadelphia man was found not guilty on Monday of murdering a policeman who died 41 years after the defendant shot him.
  • On 5 June 1995 an adult male mallard (Anas platyrhynchos) collided with the glass façade of the Natuurhistorisch Museum Rotterdam and died. An other drake mallard raped the corpse almost continuously for 75 minutes. Then the author disturbed the scene and secured the dead duck. Dissection showed that the rape-victim indeed was of the male sex. It is concluded that the mallards were engaged in an ‘Attempted Rape Flight’ that resulted in the first described case of homosexual necrophilia in the mallard.
  • The American’s black lace corset resembling an offcast from the nearby Moulin Rouge cabaret has been the talk of the French Open, and the accompanying tight skin-colored knickers have raised just as many dumbstruck glares.
  • Once inside, he spray-painted elaborate graffiti on one side of a train, across one carriage. The Straits Times understands that the vandal, a 33-year-old Swiss national, cut through the fence of the depot along Xilin Avenue, in what is believed to be the first such case of vandalism here.
  • “Somehow, this damn parasite knows how to make cat urine smell sexually arousing to rodents, and they go and check it out. Totally amazing.” – Dr. Sapolsky
  • Spokespersons were advised never to assure the public that an ecosystem would be back to normal after the worst case scenario, which we are now living through. “No statements shall be made concerning any of the following: promises that property, ecology, or anything else will be restored to normal.” Even in BP CEO Tony Hayward’s new television commercial his assurance is an ambiguous, “We will make this right,” which does not specifically address preserving or restoring America’s Wetlands.
  • “You’d rather do 30 days in jail than have me tell you you can’t smoke dope?” the ignorant judge fumed. “Doesn’t that sound a little sick?” the judge asked, seemingly too dumb to get the irony of his dumbassery. “No, sir,” Balzer said. “It’s what the marijuana does for me.” “I think if I sat around smoking dope all day, it would probably help me out, too,” the proudly ignorant judge replied. Balzer said he only smoked marijuana at night, to ease his pain.
  • Toxicologists who studied Presley’s tissues isolated at least eight different barbiturates and narcotics—including Valmid, Quaaludes, codeine, Placidyl and phenobarbitol.

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